004 - entry 2024
"Sacred isolation is a mystic portal. Experiences in solitary confinement bring you to the ecstasy of divine revelation."
——
the sun feels different when we experience the shift from summer into fall
Everyday I pray to god
i am down on my knees with my hands to each other.. palm against palm with my eyes up to the sky … i am hoping and wishful that i get through these next couple of months… i feel as if i am placed on a cutting board with a knife over me, playing around with where it will cut as i lay there un able to move.
i wrote this sometime ago but its funny because i dont feel the same but i do. i am in the thick of my saturn return and visiting new york which falls on my saturn line. when i was learning about astrology i remember fearing the time i am now in. new york is so interesting because it has a deep sense of grit that you can find in LA but its still is not the same. its easy to compare - people love to compare - it helps them understand the world around them. i still go back to how good can not exist without bad because they define each other.
you are never alone here in new york but being lonely is very accessible. i almost like that too much. today I did absolutely nothing. comparatively nothing to the days before that. i woke up, skipped breakfast, mailed some postcards and picked up some epsom salt for a bath. my knees are swollen and i managed to get into the bath with only hot water. it was painful but i did it and watched a john cassavettes film while i was doing it. yesterday i was violently hung over and went to the Noguchi museum. i dont think I’ve been moved by work like that in a very long time. with so much over-saturation of visuals online it was grounding (lol) to see something so bare and vulnerable. returning back to the basics of form and shape - returning to the sense of being honest with intention and simple mark-making. i sat in their rock garden on a square mat and just stared into this water fountain piece blissfully for at least 40 min.
deeply aware of my body processing my external experience in that moment of solace time stopped. I had taken the train from Brooklyn into the city and then out of it back into another part of Brooklyn. i think that’s the only part of public transportation here that i don’t fully understand. still, it’s sweet to get on a train and just be in transit - to be in motion just as a body as i travel through a portal into my next stop. I thought that I’d be able to go out into the world the day after the next but i sit here immobile. I had planned to see the Met Cloisters ( i ended up going to both the day after) and visit Sandy Liang and instead, I’m replaying “Time (Clock of the Heart)” by Culture Club.
How funny - time and all its glory of patience. I feel anxious as if I’m not enjoying my time in the city but any change… philosophical, would come from being present. I can’t believe I’m being challenged to be still … knowing there’s a ticking clock. oh, when George says, “Time won’t give me time…. time makes lovers feel like they have something real”.. how heartwarming and true. time accounts for all things - it never stops for anyone, no tragedy of the day, no good moment, everything truly passes - it seeps through the layers of the day and all its interactions. I suppose that’s why it feels so good to capture a moment on one’s camera/phone - to make a note of the moment in time. to mark it. I’ve taken many images here on my digital camera and while I visited the Met, I did something unusual - I let myself not take images - I protested against my internal desperation to capture. not because it wasn’t special what I saw but because I wanted to hold on to the feeling internally. After all, I can not take the image with me into whatever occurs after death….but the feeling I’d hope that transfers into some kind of energy I can harness - I suppose that’s why you can close your eyes and dance and create an internal world…..or when you fantasize about something - you make the reality exist in your heart. it can be such a powerful desire that for those moments, you lay in bed and wonder and give power to it - for a second you’re not there but in the inner world moment you so deeply want to feel. my heart is so rich for the inner world I love to create. I suppose it’s another word for manifesting the life you want to feel.
It was my mother's birthday recently, and I realized how when I hold her precious hands, I can feel the fragility that comes with age. My heart felt sad for a moment but grateful that I could see her in all her stages of life. I pray more than ever that I can always remember the sound of her voice even when she is no longer here. I pray that her laughter exists for me when I see something that I know she would laugh at.
Media consumed so far during NY:
Time (Clock Of The Heart) by Culture Club
Veep (seasons 4-7)
Jersey Shore ( Italy season )
