2025 - 001

Life feels good, I forgive everything.

Jun 25, 2025

if time is the greatest illusion of all then does anything ever matter? to be existential in our current landscape feels like the greatest privilege. to think of oneself and question life’s matters, to look at the sky and wonder what it all means, to be so present and let oneself experience the sorrow and loss and the beauty of sadness. what a privilege to feel life itself. I don’t know a single person unaffected by the current political climate. I feel like nothing I have to say matters. I write because it’s what I know to do best when processing through a moment that feels pivotal. Pivotal on a personal level but nonetheless and simultaneously on a communal level.

Through these moments who and what matters comes to the forefront in a much more present and abrupt way. The friendships that were always easy and encouraging tighten up and feel like a warm hug that can be relied on at the end of day. Knowing that our lives at any moment can cease to exist … sharing laughter together becomes an act of resistance against the omnipresent.

I have found a kindness, stillness and over all a moment to remind myself that life is full of wonder. That this wonder is available for anyone who is willing to see and feel it. It’s accessible at all times… through speaking with someone who’s lived a completely different life, the moment of conversation comes and goes – I walk away feeling a breath of fresh air and a jilt to get out of my own head and the narrative I keep replaying.

what can feel like going in a circle with life – the drive home is hopeful, the walk around the reservoir is filled with a sensation of openness, the way I look at the dirt below me reminds me - anything is possible and in this way I never let myself get down - we are so bound to the narratives we tell ourselves, the ones that give us comfort, the ones that make the world a less scary place. What happens when the narratives we tell ourselves start to become crutches for our lack of growth? How can we know if they aren’t reliable anymore - if maybe they are hindering us - comfort is safe - its known and in many ways can be revitalizing. It can allow us reprise - it can be a tender warm nap. unfortunately, things feel so far from this.

I wake up and am imbued with a sensation of uneasiness knowing - I close my eyes and pray to God and try my best to meditate and give thanks for having the opportunity to see another day. Although the day is then filled with an atonement to responsibilities nonetheless there are glimpses of beauty. The conversation of labor is valuable one, a political one, a personal one and one filled with ups and downs - I am grateful for the work I do, for the opportunity to work in a field that I went to school for. To have coworkers I care for - the heat from the sun fills the car much earlier in the day now. I look out to the city that continues to challenge my faithfulness to it all. If there is one thing that carries me through the moments of physical pain when I work out… that feels symbolic ….is equating the pain to the challenges of life itself. that in the discomfort there is opportunity. Opportunity for facing a notion - what that notion is, is not for me to make concrete but rather to let myself be flowed through it.

Sometimes the conflict is internal and sometimes its external - but through conflict comes the greatest moment and opportunity for true intimacy. intimacy for myself - me to me and therefore to the world. in the darkest moments of the night when I have no one to face but the truth of who and how I navigate the world I find myself in a place of solace. I know the sun will come up again but for a moment I am still in my uncomfortableness and all the emotions that rush through. i welcome the discomfort like an old friend because without it things feel stagnant and stinky. the narratives that have I have tied to myself through life, my pain and joy in connection to them, I have accepted that healing is never ending and it’s the ultimate process of this existence. that love is deserving of imperfection and vice versa. - i am accepting that maybe I know nothing at all and in this maybe, maybe i have learned something. in the end it’s always a feeling for me - the feeling that life is full of beauty. I am forever of service to this -

I am excited for the future because even if the world ends tomorrow, I know I was never afraid of the uncomfortable sensation that is growing and being true to the grit. I used to think to myself in my teen years that someday when I am wrinkly and old and on my death bed I’ll think back to my moments of youth with a heartwarming sensation of pride and forgiveness to the imperfections. lately sadness has sat by me in relation to feeling misunderstood - to wondering how i could have acted better, to have avoided perceived failure and as a result i have been positioned to accept acceptance itself. I have always believed that people in their heart know when you mean well - when you lead with your heart, the vulnerability that is gestured imprints. I have faith in that because acting through love and genuineness transcends all matter, all time, and all moments of honest reflection.

I walked to the rose garden and prayed publicly unafraid - I never want to be afraid and in the moment I am afraid I pick myself up and remember all the moments that came before this. all the times that I was scared but was made better because of it. I return to being on my hike that I do 3-4 times a week and sometimes feels harder than others - when the sun is beaming down on my skin and the heat is unkind, I tell myself like i have told myself many times before that anything worth having in life is worth working hard for, is worth fighting for. Nothing, nothing comes easy - not anything worth having at least. true and honest vulnerability will always be honored and received and met with true care and love. Life feels good, I forgive everything.